(5 minute read)

“It seemed appropriate for me to address sexual behaviors in general, before sexual orientation, since many, if not most, sexual behaviors are independent of your “sexual orientation.”  For example, a man will masturbate by jacking off, whether he is straight, gay, bisexual, or any other sexual orientation. Likewise, most men enjoy having their dick sucked regardless of their orientation. Most men are visually stimulated by watching imagery of other people having sex, again without regard to their orientation.

MASTURBATION the most basic activity, masturbation (which will of course consume an installment of its own) is virtually universal. Men do it - and almost anywhere. Inside their personal space, outside, wherever they may find a little time and space to rub one out! Like in your car, during a bike ride, in the woods, at work, during a business meeting on Zoom (remember Jeffrey Toobin?) in an elevator, the shower - you know where you do it... And this may also include group masturbation - circle jerks with other men.

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ORAL SEX is sucking dick - most men like it; many men do it, again, regardless of sexual orientation. And of course, many men also enjoy cunnilingus with women. Oral sex also gets its own installment.

ANAL SEX is quite popular both as a “top” and as a “bottom.” Everybody has an anus, so we can all receive the pleasure! A “top” is the insertive partner, and the “bottom” is the receptive partner. Anal sex also commands its own installment!

PROSTATE STIMULATION is obviously exclusive to males. The prostate is a popular destination for any man who appreciates the unique sensations that arise from prostate stimulation, which may originate from a penis, a finger, a vibrator, or a toy. The prostate has earned his own installment, too.

VERSATILE (“vers”) describes a person who enjoys and is willing to both top and bottom in sexual encounters. This may refer to both giving or receiving orally, as well as anally.”

SIDE is a more recent term in the sexual lexicon, referring to those who prefer not to have vaginal or anal penetration, but enjoy side-by-side activities, possibly including mutual masturbation and oral-genital sex. And of course, anyone may choose any activity at any time, not being committed to side or top, for instance.

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“FROTTAGE is derived from the French word “frotter,” meaning “to rub,” frottage refers to the consensual (or non-consensual) act of sexual rubbing against a person or object (frotteurism), and in general, non-penetrative sex like dry humping. The key difference between frottage as a (non-consensual) psychological disorder and frottage as a sexual act is consent itself.

Obviously, any sexual contact without consent is unethical, but with consent, it can be mutually enjoyable.”

“HOOKING UP: Cruising, hooking up, using online apps to seek others, sex clubs, bath houses, naked beaches, parks, public restrooms - there are a thousand ways to meet other people for sex, and there always has been. We just have more creative ways to find each other these days! See the Hookups installment for more.”

“EXHIBITIONISM/VOYEURISM Exhibitionism is when a person enjoys being watched by other people, while in a sexual context or actually having sex. Voyeurism is when a person enjoys watching other people engage in sexual activity while they are unaware - or not. These activities can also be either legitimate, or not, depending again on consent. If you’re at a nude beach or sex party, watching and being watched is all part of the experience.”

“Self-confidence is belief in your own abilities and judgment, a sense of control over your life, and the trust that you can handle challenges and achieve your goals. I had proven to myself that I could handle the challenges, achieve my goals, and become authentic in my personal life. It was time to graduate to exploring the myriad of sexual experiences now available to me - without shame!”

Excerpt From POSITIVE SEXUALITY FOR MEN, by Jayson R. Diesel. This material may be protected by copyright.

“By getting to know Jayson through his experiences and insights, you’ll get to know yourself better as well. Through Jayson’s honesty and vulnerability, you’ll discover that exploring and ultimately “owning” your own sexuality, in the myriad ways this book lays them out (and in the myriad ways you yourself are uniquely sexual), isn’t as difficult or as scary as our often-uptight society wants you to think it is.” - Wynward H. Oliver, author of Homo-Work and The Gooner’s Handbook

Thank you reading these excerpts. The full journey, and all the personal stories are in the book. Many readers have also said the personal stories are the best parts. Order your copy of Positive Sexuality for Men.

(6 minute read)

BODY ART uses the human body as the medium for artistic expression, encompassing a wide range of practices from temporary painting to permanent modifications. Its forms and meanings vary across different cultures and historical periods, allowing for self-expression, social commentary, and exploration of the relationship between mind and body. 

Body art techniques can be broadly categorized as temporary or permanent. Temporary techniques include body and face painting, Henna, and nail art, which are all commonly seen in society. Sometimes we just like to “accessorize” for the occasion!

Other more permanent body art includes tattoos, piercing, permanent cosmetics, branding, and scarification. The most popular of these seem to be tattoos and piercings, although permanent cosmetic procedures seem to be increasing in prevalence.

TATTOO art involves permanent insertion of indelible ink into the dermis layer of the skin using a needle. Tattoos have been practiced for millennia and can be symbolic, decorative, or commemorative. Traditionally, tattoos have served as symbols of identity and belonging across various cultures. Modern styles include blackwork, watercolor, and minimalist designs.

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Express yourself - everyone’s doing it!

PIERCING likewise has been around forever, and is creation of an opening in the body to insert jewelry or other adornment. It is a practice with deep cultural roots that combines aesthetics and representing rites of passage or personal milestones.

Piercing an ear was one of my first responses to my coming out and evolving sexuality. First, one ear (only); then eventually I pierced the other. It seemed like such a big step to take at the time. Soon after, I received by first tattoo, a simple tribal design on the bicep. Then eventually, there was more…

The reasons for piercing or not piercing vary. Some people pierce for religious or spiritual reasons, while others pierce for self-expression, aesthetic value, sexual pleasure, or to conform or rebel against their culture.

Modern body piercing practices emphasize use of safe piercing equipment, and often specialized tools developed for the purpose. Body piercing is an invasive procedure with some inherent risks, including allergic reaction, infection, scarring, and potential physical injury. Piercing should always be performed by a person trained for the procedure and with appropriate tools.

Ear piercings, nose and nipple piercing, and genital piercings - the sky seems to be the limit!

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Genital piercings have also been discovered in historical research. The Kama Sutra, dating to the 3rd - 6th century BCE, describes genital piercing to permit sexual enhancement by inserting pins and other objects into the foreskin of the penis. Ouch!

Prince Albert (PA) Piercing: One of the most well-known types, this piercing enters the urethra and exits the underside of the glans.

Ampallang: Originating in Borneo, this piercing passes horizontally through the glans of the penis and was traditionally a rite of passage.

Apadravya: A vertical piercing that passes through the glans of the penis. It is mentioned in the ancient Indian text, the Kama Sutra.

Frenum Piercing: Passes through the frenulum, the band of tissue on the underside of the penis. It is often believed to increase sexual pleasure.

Guiche Piercing: Placed horizontally through the perineum, the area between the anus and the scrotum (the taint).

Scrotum (Hafada) Piercing: Involves one or more piercings placed through the loose skin of the scrotum.

What are the benefits of a genital piercing? There may be some increased sensitivity in the area of the piercing; and for your partner there may also be increased sensation. Depending on the piercing and the type and size of jewelry, you may or may not choose to wear genital jewelry during sex.

Let’s discuss the possibilities!

Excerpts From POSITIVE SEXUALITY FOR MEN - Jayson R. Diesel. This material may be protected by copyright.

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“By getting to know Jayson through his experiences and insights, you’ll get to know yourself better as well. Through Jayson’s honesty and vulnerability, you’ll discover that exploring and ultimately “owning” your own sexuality, in the myriad ways this book lays them out (and in the myriad ways you yourself are uniquely sexual), isn’t as difficult or as scary as our often-uptight society wants you to think it is.” - Wynward H. Oliver, author of Homo-Work and The Gooner’s Handbook

Thank you reading these excerpts. The full journey, and all the personal stories are in the book. Many readers have also said the personal stories are the best parts. Order your copy of Positive Sexuality for Men.

Read my next installment #16 Sexual Behaviors

( 6 minute read)

BULGE refers to the visible outline or protrusion of a man’s cock and balls through clothing, specifically the front of the underwear, pants, or more famously, gray sweatpants.

Who cares? Many straight men admit they are conscious of other men’s bulges; and of course gay men pay attention - obviously. And women have acknowledged they notice a man’s bulge. A bulge just seems to be part of the “masculinity quotient,” enhancing a man’s masculine physique.

A bulge creates a sense of mystery, leading our minds to fill in the blanks with our own desires and expectations.

Thick? Long? Cut? Uncut? What would it feel like in my...?

While the bulge in your pants can make you feel more confident, absolute confidence comes from being true to yourself. 

It’s about finding balance in your appearance and remembering to be comfortable and healthy. Ultimately, being confident means showing off who we are in a way that makes us feel good. It’s not just about how our junk looks, but feeling great about our unique self.

CELEBRITY BULGES Well, sometimes it does seem to be about penis size! From Cosmopolitan, “Like the postal service, neither rain nor wind nor snow will keep Jon Hamm’s penis from displaying its majestic silhouette. Nothing comes between Jon Hamm’s penis and its Banana Republic pants. Nothing. Because this is America.” Hamm’s schlong bulge seems to have made as many public appearances as he has; and always arrives onstage before he does!

Having a big bulge in your pants is more than just how it looks; it’s about showing your style. It’s not just about getting looks or being noticed; it’s about being confident in ourselves.

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CONFIDENCE ROCKING THE BULGE

Confidence is a big deal in our personal and work life, showing that putting effort into how we look is important. Whether it’s picking the right underwear or getting in better shape, feeling good about our appearance is more than just liking what we see in the mirror; it’s about enhancing our confidence.

There are many ways to “enhance” your bulge, without resorting to anything unnatural: Choosing the right underwear, wearing the proper pants or shorts, or using a cock ring.

COCK RINGS are designed to support everything in a slightly more forward and lifted position, which invariably creates a more pronounced bulge. In my experience, they do just that. The ring applies gentle pressure, improving the overall outline of my junk; a subtle change that can give you a significant boost. Just remember, it’s best to choose a soft, stretchy cock ring for comfort and safety.

FREEBALLING is another alternative. Freeballing is wearing pants, shorts, a kilt, etc., without underwear; essentially a man’s dick and balls unrestrained and hanging free. Going without underwear is also known as “going commando,” so called because the cock and balls hang free and unencumbered. Many guys like to freeball in the summer, but some prefer jockey shorts, to give the balls a little support, since otherwise they hang too low in the heat. Many of us usually freeball if we’re anticipating a sexual encounter.

COMMANDO is, in fact, the way that Scots wearing kilts are supposed to be dressed; which “may” result in their cocks and balls peeking into view of others. Shocking!

Exhibitionists may freeball with only thin fabric or very short shorts, allowing noticeable dick print, which can be apparent to others, especially as they sit or walk about. Of course, such pervey activity provides cheap thrills for both the exhibitionist and voyeur alike! Especially when the dick or balls “slip out!”

Being your authentic gorgeous self comes from being genuinely comfortable with who you are. It’s not just about cock rings, enhancing the bulge in your pants, or how you dress, but embracing your unique positive qualities. And for fuck sake, try to avoid comparing yourself to others and focus on being yourself.

Excerpts From POSITIVE SEXUALITY FOR MEN - Jayson R. Diesel. This material may be protected by copyright.

Thanks for reading! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

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“By getting to know Jayson through his experiences and insights, you’ll get to know yourself better as well. Through Jayson’s honesty and vulnerability, you’ll discover that exploring and ultimately “owning” your own sexuality, in the myriad ways this book lays them out (and in the myriad ways you yourself are uniquely sexual), isn’t as difficult or as scary as our often-uptight society wants you to think it is.” - Wynward H. Oliver, author of Homo-Work and The Gooner’s Handbook

Thank you reading these excerpts. The full journey, and all the personal stories are in the book. Many readers have also said the personal stories are the best parts. Order your copy of Positive Sexuality for Men.

Click for my next installment: Body Art

(5 minute read)

Penis Size! Now that I’ve got your full attention, let’s talk about penis size!

I know we mentioned penises in the last installment, but since we can’t ever get enough dick, we’re going to take a longer look! The penis probably has more nicknames than any other body part - as it should. Penises are special!

Penis, Phallus, Shaft, Cock, Dick, Prick, Willy, Dong, Johnson, Schlong, Pecker, Wang, Weenie, Phallus, Love Muscle,  One Eyed Snake, Anaconda. Weenis, Wood, Knob, Manhood, etc.

PENIS SIZE has long been a subject of cultural fascination and social pressure, often linked to notions of masculinity and self-worth. I would be negligent not to address penis size. It is the eternal fixation of men everywhere. However, empirical evidence suggests that the importance of penis size might be more nuanced than commonly believed.

A man’s perception of his dick size as inadequate can cause him significant psychological impact. Men who perceive their dick size as inadequate may experience anxiety, lower self-esteem, and even avoid sexual relationships due to fear of judgment.

As I see it, there are three misconceptions:

1. Most men tend to believe the myth that average dick is larger than it actually is.

2. We commonly view our own dick as less than it actually is.

3. Sexual partners are more concerned with dick size than they actually are.This is certainly not a self-validating situation.

The reality is that most of us have a statistically normal dick, by definition. Nevertheless, multiple studies emphasize that these concerns are often disproportionate to reality, as the majority of sexual partners do not prioritize penis size as much as other factors like emotional connection and sexual skill.

Dr. Stefan Buntrock, on his YouTube channel, UroChannel, shares tons of great information on men’s health. In his words: “Results of research he reviewed documents that the majority of men’s erect penises are within 4.5 to 5.8 inches in length - busting the myth that the average is 6 inches. Also reported is the average erect girth (circumference) was 4.6 inches.”

Other recent clinical studies show average erect penis length of 5.1 to 5.5 inches.

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SHOWER OR GROWER - Besides the natural variability of human penises in general, there are factors that lead to minor variations in a particular male, such as the level of arousal, time of day, ambient temperature, anxiety level, physical activity, and frequency of sexual activity. In any case, flaccid penis length is a poor predictor of erect length.

GROWERS demonstrated an increase length of at least 1.6 inches in length; averaging  2.1 inches growth. SHOWERS, on the other hand, averaged 1.2 inches growth during erection. Importantly, there were no structural or functional differences between the two groups. One incidental finding in the study was that younger men tended more to be growers, and older men were more likely to be showers. This leads to questions about whether aging may affect our penile erectile growth.

DOES PENIS SIZE MATTER TO SEXUAL PARTNERS?

The International Society for Sexual Medicine tackled this sensitive question. I’ll cut straight to the chase: Scientific research indicates that while penis size can influence initial sexual attraction to some extent, for both women and gay men, it is far from being the most important factor in sexual relationships. Emotional connection, sexual technique, communication, and mutual satisfaction play far more significant roles in determining sexual satisfaction.

In another study of actual penis sizes - length and girth, women’s, and men’s, preferences were analyzed. The results should not be surprising. Generally, average penis size is best.Sounds like it’s really true: “It’s not what you’ve got, it’s what you do with it that matters.

Excerpts From POSITIVE SEXUALITY FOR MEN - Jayson R. Diesel. This material may be protected by copyright.

Thanks for reading! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

“By getting to know Jayson through his experiences and insights, you’ll get to know yourself better as well. Through Jayson’s honesty and vulnerability, you’ll discover that exploring and ultimately “owning” your own sexuality, in the myriad ways this book lays them out (and in the myriad ways you yourself are uniquely sexual), isn’t as difficult or as scary as our often-uptight society wants you to think it is.” - Wynward H. Oliver, author of Homo-Work and The Gooner’s Handbook

Thank you reading these excerpts. The full journey, and all the personal stories are in the book. Many readers have also said the personal stories are the best parts. Order your copy of Positive Sexuality for Men.

Click to read Installment #13 - Cut or Uncut?

(5 minute read)

Ejaculation and Orgasm are not the Same Thing!

EJACULATION and ORGASM are generally associated with each other, although they are distinct physiological processes; with ejaculation referring to the physical release of semen from the penis, and orgasm being the intense pleasurable sensation that typically accompanies sexual climax.

EJACULATION is a physical process that involves the contraction of muscles in the pelvis, expelling semen from the penis. It is a complex physiological process that is composed of two phases, emission and expulsion, and is influenced by intricate neurological and hormonal pathways.

Emission Phase begins with closure of bladder neck to prevent semen from entering the bladder. This is followed by the flow of secretions from the prostate and sperm from the vas deferens into the prostatic urethra. Subsequently, the seminal vesicle, Cowper’s glands, and periurethral glands contribute to complete the final ejaculatory fluid.

Expulsion follows emission as the process of ejaculation climaxes, and refers to the ejection of semen from the penis. The cum is propelled through the rhythmic contractions of the pelvic muscles, in addition to the bulbospongiosus and ischiocavernosus muscles.

It has been suggested that strengthening the pelvic muscles by performing Kegel exercises can enhance the pleasure associated with orgasm.

According to The Infographics Show, a recent study shows that most men have very little control over exactly when they ejaculate. That’s because the signal to ejaculate actually comes from the spinal ejaculatory generator - yes, that’s a real thing! And it is located in the spinal cord. This spinal region is responsible for coordinating the necessary functions, so while the brain can influence things - like thinking about something else to delay the event - it’s mostly the spine calling the shots. So they say…

As mentioned above, contraction of the bladder neck inhibits semen from entering the bladder, however dysfunction of this mechanism may allow retrograde ejaculation into the bladder. Also, the use of certain prostate medications may result in ejaculatory dysfunction, manifesting as reduced semen volume, retrograde ejaculation, or complete failure to ejaculate. Fortunately, this is usually harmless and reversible.

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ORGASM is the transient sensation of intense pleasure and involuntary muscle contractions, creating an altered state of consciousness associated with reported physical changes. It is primarily a neurological event that occurs in the brain.

It is both possible to experience orgasm without ejaculation, and to have ejaculation without orgasm.

BLUE BALLS is a term used to ostensibly refer to epididymal hypertension, describing scrotal pain following heightened sexual arousal that does not result in ejaculation. There is continuing controversy surrounding this phenomenon, for which there is only scant valid scientific research.

Blue balls has purportedly be used as a means of sexual coercion toward a partner, when said partner declines to pursue a sexual encounter.  

Whether pain is physical. mythical, or psychic, it can be readily relieved by solo sexual and nonsexual remedies; and is never a valid reason to pursue nonconsensual sexual activity.

THE POWER OF THE MIND - It’s commonly known that the largest sex organ is our brain. The mind plays a crucial role in shaping our experiences of pleasure and intimacy. When it comes to sex, our thoughts, fantasies, and emotions can all impact our arousal and orgasm. They all play a part in creating the right conditions for sexual pleasure, and intimacy.

Excerpts From POSITIVE SEXUALITY FOR MEN - Jayson R. Diesel. This material may be protected by copyright.

“By getting to know Jayson through his experiences and insights, you’ll get to know yourself better as well. Through Jayson’s honesty and vulnerability, you’ll discover that exploring and ultimately “owning” your own sexuality, in the myriad ways this book lays them out (and in the myriad ways you yourself are uniquely sexual), isn’t as difficult or as scary as our often-uptight society wants you to think it is.” - Wynward H. Oliver, author of Homo-Work and The Gooner’s Handbook

Thank you reading these excerpts. The full journey, and all the personal stories are in the book. Many readers have also said the personal stories are the best parts. Order your copy of Positive Sexuality for Men.

Click to read Installment #13 - Penis Size

(7 minute read)

So, now it’s time to take a look at a man’s body - I thought you would appreciate that! Which man’s body? Well, that’s up to you…

EROGENOUS ZONES are the areas sensitive to sensual or sexual stimulation. We wouldn’t get very far in this exploration of positive sexuality if we aren’t fully aware of the parts that are excitable.

Erogenous zones vary from person to person, however, there are common erogenous zones, such as the genitals, nipples, neck, ears, chest, inner thighs, perineum, anus, and buttocks.

Now this where “the rubber meets the road.” Here are a few tips to help get you started down your journey of exploration.

TAKE TIME TO EXPLORE YOUR OWN BODY, discovering what feels good to you. Try different types of touch and stimulation to see what brings you pleasure. Light caresses, firm touch, stroking, or even using sex toys specifically designed for different erogenous zones.

EXPLORE NEW ZONES - Don’t limit yourself to only the most obvious erogenous zones. Experiment with different areas of your body to discover new sources of pleasure.

MALE ANATOMY is comprised of several parts, each with its own sensitivity to touch and stimulation. Obviously, there is the ever popular genital area, blessed with penis, scrotum, testicles, and a few other adjacent structures we’ll get into soon. Let’s cut the clinical terms wherever we can - we’re talking about the cock and balls.

PENIS is the most prominent male sexual organ. It contains three main parts: the glans, the shaft, and the root. Certainly the cock is the most magical part of our bodies, with its multiple abilities to perform from the most mundane function, to one of the most profound feats - expanding to become a rigid phallus, a symbol of power and virility, with the ability to provide pleasure to oneself - and our partners! And undoubtedly one of the most fun parts to play with as well!

During arousal, the cock receives a flow of blood, resulting in an erection. The firmness and size of a cock can vary considerably from one male to another, and even within the same person on different occasions.

FORESKIN if uncircumcised (uncut), covers the glans and adds an additional layer of sensitivity. This retractable skin holds a myriad of nerve endings, offering its own unique pleasure when stimulated.

GLANS is the head of the penis which is extremely sensitive to touch and pressure, and responsive erogenous zone. The shaft, which contains erectile tissues. And the root is the base of the penis which attaches to the pelvic bone.”

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TESTICLES contain a dense network of nerve endings that offer heightened sensitivity. Gentle stimulation and caressing of the nuts can lead to intense pleasure and increase overall arousal.

Contrary to popular mythology, your load doesn’t cum from your nuts. The testicle is considered a solid organ, primarily composed of glandular tissue and tightly coiled tubes, and without a fluid-filled cavity.

SEMEN is about 90% water, mostly from the seminal vesicles and prostate, and sperm from the testes. Semen consists mostly of amino acids, fructose and glucose (sugars), prostate specific antigen, and various enzymes.

Cum is mostly water. Want bigger loads? Hydrate - drink more water!

PRE-CUM (Pre-ejaculate) is that clear fluid that oozes from your cock during sexual arousal. It primarily serves as a lubricant, and although it is not the same as cum, it may still contain some sperm, making pregnancy possible even without ejaculation. It is primarily produced by the bulbourethral glands.

“Remember, it is also possible to transmit STIs via cum and pre-cum.”

OTHER  BODY PARTS - The chest, with its broad planes of skin and underlying muscles, is a treasure trove of sensitive nerve endings waiting to be explored. And the nipples, nestled within the contours of the pectoral muscles, are a hub of intense sensations for many men.

And let us not forget the allure of biting, a touch of primal passion. The careful application of gentle nibbles, leaving behind a trace of lustful sensation, can send waves of pleasure coursing through the body.Accessories like nipple clamps can also be used to enhance pleasure. These devices apply gentle (or not) pressure to the nipples, intensifying sensation and creating a blissful blend of pleasure and pain.

HANDS are of course integral in our exploration of our body and our partners, having that heightened sensation and dexterity; but don’t overlook touching your partner’s hands and fingers! Stroke, caress, lick and suck on them. Put all those sensations to good use!

FEET are also a frequently overlooked asset - and yet for others they are a fetish! Everyone has their own set of sexual attractions, fetishes, and kinks. A foot fetish is basically a sexual interest in feet, toes, ankles, and other surrounding areas. Some people like looking at feet, whereas others like licking or biting feet. Some like massaging and worshipping feet. They deserve all the attention you and your partner desire!”

KISSING takes many forms - and for some people it’s a mandatory skill. The lips and tongue contain an abundance of nerve endings, creating a pathway to intense stimulation. There’s kissing your grandma, kissing your dog, and then there’s kissing your romantic or sexual partner. It’s usually best to start slow with a new partner. Begin with a gentle slow approach rather than being overly aggressive. Respect boundaries and pay attention to body language. Follow your partner’s pace and intensity and consider asking for feedback to ensure mutual enjoyment.

HAIR shall not be forgotten! It cover so much territory - sometimes virtually the entire body! Starting with the head, the LGBTQ community often employs certain hairstyles to signal orientation within specific communities. And some men are specifically attracted to men with bald heads! So much authenticity to expose here. Arousal can come from seeing or touching one’s hair, or lack thereof.

Pubic hair trimming or shaving is a common aspect of sexual expression and participation in sexual activity, with significant psychosexual implications. Many men find the bushy natural look most appealing, while others prefer a trimmed, “user-friendly” bush more to their preference, and others are into the smooth, shaved look. There’s so much variety to appreciate - where does one start?

Facial hair is always a popular topic. Over time, it seems to be cyclical in fashion. Every few years, the stylishness of mustaches, beards, goatees, sideburns, etc., evolves. Even at the time of this writing, the styles are evolving from full beards to mustaches with detached goatees. Soon it will be something different - keeps us all interesting. All the more looks to fetishize!

“Armpits are one of those areas that “get no respect,” unless they’re a fetish for you - and for many they are!”

Naturally, most of our bodies are covered with at least fine hair - head, face, arms, legs, back, buttocks - with so much to stroke and be enjoyed. Even light touch can be very erotic - try it at your earliest convenience - please.

Excerpts From POSITIVE SEXUALITY FOR MEN - Jayson R. Diesel. This material may be protected by copyright.

Thanks for reading! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

“By getting to know Jayson through his experiences and insights, you’ll get to know yourself better as well. Through Jayson’s honesty and vulnerability, you’ll discover that exploring and ultimately “owning” your own sexuality, in the myriad ways this book lays them out (and in the myriad ways you yourself are uniquely sexual), isn’t as difficult or as scary as our often-uptight society wants you to think it is.” - Wynward H. Oliver, author of Homo-Work and The Gooner’s Handbook

Thank you reading these excerpts. The full journey, and all the personal stories are in the book. Many readers have also said the personal stories are the best parts. Order your copy of Positive Sexuality for Men.

Click to read Installment #12 - Our Orgasmic Bodies

(5 minute read)

MASCULINITY at its core, is a set of attributes, behaviors, and roles generally associated with men. Masculinity can theoretically be understood as socially constructed, and it is also apparent that some behaviors considered masculine are influenced by both cultural and biological factors. And it is distinct from the definition of the biological male sex, since anyone can exhibit masculine traits.

Traits traditionally viewed as masculine in Western society include strength, courage, independence, leadership, dominance, and assertiveness.

PHYSICAL MASCULINITY TRAITS are often the characteristics that we naturally associate with masculinity - those physical traits. When we think about “male” masculinity, we are referring to our primary and secondary sex characteristics.

PRIMARY MALE SEX CHARACTERISTICS are the penis, scrotum, testes - the obvious physical characteristics that commonly identify a boy at birth; and continue to identify cis-men throughout the lifespan.

SECONDARY MALE SEX CHARACTERISTICS are defined by genetic and hormonal influences, and suggestive of “masculinity” in appearance, include growth of body hair - underarm, abdominal, chest, pubic hair, and facial hair.

I’ll go first - I admit I am (among other things) an androsexual - a person with attraction to masculinity. I find myself attracted to a muscular man with facial hair, chest hair, broad shoulders, bulge, and a deep voice. Then, it’s up to him to demonstrate the character traits that should accompany his physical “hotness!”

Although gay men are often portrayed as effeminate, a fairly recent social development is the portrayal of gay men in the LGBT community as “bears” and “otters,” a subculture of gay men celebrating rugged masculinity and secondary sexual characteristics of the male: facial hair, body hair, super-size, baldness. Sexy!

Perhaps surprisingly, another view has recently emerged that may help us understand this elusive ideal.

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TRANSMEN have become a relevant voice in the masculinity debate: Journalist Jude Ellison S. Doyle, a trans man, posits that we should look toward trans folks to start shifting the way society sees gender roles. After all, trans men have lived as both females and males in our society, and recognize firsthand the differences in how society treats us - specifically how women are treated by men.

Even as many men, fueled by the political right, are bowing at the altar of so-called “traditional” masculinity, no one actually even knows what that means - but one thing is certain, whatever that ideal is, it’s unattainable. 

“Doyle defines the right’s version of masculinity as a euphemism for dominance - specifically, domination of women and queer people. “Yet being a trans person, even a white trans man, is hardly a position of unqualified gender privilege, and most people who hate women still hate me. There are masculine people who aren’t men; there are masculine people who are women.”

Since you are already reading this, you are probably open to various concepts of masculinity. After all, we are all just men, trying to be men - some kind of man. Not all the same, but each our own man, finding our own version of masculinity: Real, but not toxic; strong, but not misogynistic or dominant - authentic.

Excerpts From POSITIVE SEXUALITY FOR MEN - Jayson R. Diesel. This material may be protected by copyright.

“By getting to know Jayson through his experiences and insights, you’ll get to know yourself better as well. Through Jayson’s honesty and vulnerability, you’ll discover that exploring and ultimately “owning” your own sexuality, in the myriad ways this book lays them out (and in the myriad ways you yourself are uniquely sexual), isn’t as difficult or as scary as our often-uptight society wants you to think it is.” - Wynward H. Oliver, author of Homo-Work and The Gooner’s Handbook

Thank you reading these excerpts. The full journey, and all the personal stories are in the book. Many readers have also said the personal stories are the best parts. Order your copy of Positive Sexuality for Men.

Click to read Installment #11 - Our Amazing Bodies

(5 minute read)

MASCULINITY - what is it? I suspect we all have an idea, yet I also suspect that most of us cannot articulate an actual definition. Again, it may be helpful to start by defining what something is not, before trying to define what it is.

There are plenty of thoughts in our culture that tell us what masculinity is, and a myriad of ideas on how men should be (more) masculine. “Real men” are physically imposing; A “real man” is stoic and unemotional; a “real man” doesn’t show weakness; boys don’t cry. Blah, blah, blah…

Confidence Makes You Sexy

TOXIC MASCULINITY is how we often describe insecure men who will sometimes wear a “mask of masculinity,” bullying those who are weaker, or just different (LGBTQ+), and treating women like ornaments, instead of human beings. Unlike true masculinity, this is instead a sign of weakness.

MACHISMO is a form of masculinity that emphasizes power and is often associated with a disregard for consequences and responsibility. It is also synonymous with sexism and misogyny, definitely not positive sexuality.

HYPERMASCULINITY refers to the exaggeration of male stereotypical behavior, such as an emphasis on physical strength, aggression, and male sexuality. We see plenty of examples of hypermasculinity in both straight and gay culture. However, none of these are a particularly sex positive images of male sexuality or masculinity.

GAY MEN are considered by some to be “effeminate and deviate from the masculine norm,” sometimes being stereotyped as “gentle and refined” - even by other gay men! Actually, there does seem to be a difference. I see the distinctive style of gay masculinity as a great social benefit. Wouldn’t life be dull without the flair and imagination of queer fashion designers, hair stylists, and interior decorators?

Some believe that masculinity is linked to the male body; in this view, masculinity is often associated with male genitalia. Others have suggested that although masculinity may be influenced by biology, it is also a cultural construct.

While I’m relatively certain that I’ve never been accused of being hypermasculine, growing up as a skinny little boy, I can tell you that I felt thoroughly non-masculine. And for many years into adulthood, I continued to bear a sense of lack of masculinity. I grew taller, I was no longer skinny, I have a thick beard, and worked in a masculine “oriented” industry - but never felt very “masculine.” As I learn that masculinity is not all about appearance, not at all about power and dominance, and is actually about character and confidence, I think I might just have a shot at this masculinity thing.

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One unexpected change I experienced when I came out was that I now can cry. I know - not very “masculine.” And surely not hypermasculine at all. I believe that part of our culture’s disconnect from true masculinity, as revealed by the various forms of fake masculinity, is men’s detachment from their true emotions. My coming out actually connected me to my true emotions - my authentic self!

Crying is often seen as a sign of weakness. I submit that may actually be the opposite. Becoming authentic to yourself means becoming aligned with your inner self, and inherently your emotions. Expressing your true inner self is nothing if not powerful, and often courageous!

“Whether expressing a profound sadness over a human tragedy, or tears of joy when hearing stories of parents supporting their kids’ achievements - crying has become for me a demonstration of my authentic self. Without shame.”

Excerpts From POSITIVE SEXUALITY FOR MEN - Jayson R. Diesel. This material may be protected by copyright.

“By getting to know Jayson through his experiences and insights, you’ll get to know yourself better as well. Through Jayson’s honesty and vulnerability, you’ll discover that exploring and ultimately “owning” your own sexuality, in the myriad ways this book lays them out (and in the myriad ways you yourself are uniquely sexual), isn’t as difficult or as scary as our often-uptight society wants you to think it is.” - Wynward H. Oliver, author of Homo-Work and The Gooner’s Handbook

Thank you reading these excerpts. The full journey, and all the personal stories are in the book. Many readers have also said the personal stories are the best parts. Order your copy of Positive Sexuality for Men.

Click to read Installment #10 - Authentic Masculinity

(5 minute read)

ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION and PREMATURE EJACULATION are two of the most common physiologic sexual problems for men. Although they are entirely different issues, they will both be explained here. After all, worrying about not performing your best is not the best way to have the most positive sexual experience, and may actually make the problem worse!

ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION (ED) is a condition in which it’s difficult to get or keep a firm erection long enough to have penetrative sex. Though prevalence estimates vary, experts agree that ED is a fairly common problem.

According to Healthline.com, if erectile dysfunction happens once in a while, there’s generally no reason for concern. When it happens frequently it can lead to stress, anxiety, and relationship issues. There are various ways to treat ED, but the right treatment method depends on the cause.

Getting an hardon is a complex process that involves your body’s nerves, blood vessels, and hormones. If you still wake up in the morning with morning wood, your body is physically capable of an erection, and the underlying issue may be psychological.

Erectile dysfunction can be a sign of an underlying health condition that should be treated. Because of this, it’s important to see your healthcare provider for a complete checkup rather than trying to fix the problem on your own.

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MEDICATIONS FOR ED are usually phosphodiesterase type 5 inhibitors, oral medications  that can help you have an erection adequate for intercourse. These include sildenafil (Viagra®), tadalafil (Cialis®), vardenafil (Levitra®), and others.

These oral medications promote increased blood flow to the penis in response to sexual stimulation. They begin to work in 30 minutes to an hour and can last several hours.

Administration of Alprostadil causes the penis to fill with blood. This medication may be self-injected into the penis, and is also available as a suppository that’s inserted into the urethra.

Other treatments for ED include testosterone replacement therapy, vacuum pumps and surgical options.

MASTURBATION is commonly believed to cause erectile dysfunction. This is a myth that’s not based on facts. Masturbation does not directly cause erectile dysfunction.

Erectile dysfunction can have various physical and psychological causes. In some cases, it can be caused by both. Lifestyle changes including regular exercise, avoiding smoking, reducing alcohol consumption, and managing stress, can help with erectile dysfunction.

If you have a condition that’s causing your ED, talk to your provider about managing it. Get a physical exam annually, and take any prescribed medications to make sure you’re as healthy as possible.

PREMATURE EJACULATION (PE) is when a man climaxes and cums sooner than he would like during sex. It’s a common sexual issue, occurring in about a third of men aged 18 to 59 years old. Some people think PE is a disease or problem that cannot improve. Others may think certain men just inherently have better control than others. Not true.

The exact cause of premature ejaculation is not known, but there are many reasons why a man may have PE. There may be biological, chemical or emotional reasons.

It is typical for men to have at least some control over if and when they ejaculate during partnered sex and masturbation. However, when PE gets in the way of your sexual pleasure, you should see a healthcare provider. There are remedies available for you!

PSYCHOLOGICAL THERAPY is a way to work through the feelings and emotions that may lead to problems with sexual relationships. The goal of this type of therapy is to learn the source of problems and find solutions that may help PE.

BEHAVIORAL THERAPY uses manual exercises to help build tolerance to delay ejaculation. The goal is to help you train your body to improve ejaculatory control.

MEDICATION THERAPY While no specific medication is approved for premature ejaculation in the US, patients on antidepressants have noted delayed orgasms. These medications are sometimes used “off-label” to help  treat PE.

Excerpts From POSITIVE SEXUALITY FOR MEN - Jayson R. Diesel. This material may be protected by copyright.

“By getting to know Jayson through his experiences and insights, you’ll get to know yourself better as well. Through Jayson’s honesty and vulnerability, you’ll discover that exploring and ultimately “owning” your own sexuality, in the myriad ways this book lays them out (and in the myriad ways you yourself are uniquely sexual), isn’t as difficult or as scary as our often-uptight society wants you to think it is.” - Wynward H. Oliver, author of Homo-Work and The Gooner’s Handbook

Thank you reading these excerpts. The full journey, and all the personal stories are in the book. Many readers have also said the personal stories are the best parts. Order your copy of Positive Sexuality for Men.

Click to read Installment # 9 - What is Masculinity?

(6 minute read)

What is Gender Identity? And why are we reading about it?

Simply, we are not all the same. While you and 95% of the other people reading this may be cis-gender, some are not. And the man sitting next to you may not be cis-male!

GENDER IDENTITY is one’s innermost concept of self as male, female, a blend of both, or neither – how individuals perceive themselves and what they call themselves. One’s gender identity can be the same or different from their sex assigned at birth.

Hang in there - it gets better...

GENDER EXPRESSION is the external appearance of one’s gender identity, usually expressed through behavior, clothing, body characteristics or voice, and which may or may not conform to socially defined behaviors and characteristics typically associated with being either masculine or feminine.

CIS-MALE is someone assigned male at birth who identifies as male.

CIS-FEMALE is someone assigned female at birth who identifies as female.

INTERSEX is having sex organs or other sexual characteristics that are not clearly male or female, or a combination of male and female organs.

NONBINARY refers to gender identity that does not conform to traditional binary beliefs about gender; not exclusively either male or female.

GENDER FLUID describes a non-fixed gender identity that shifts over time or depending on the situation.

TRANSGENDER (Trans) is an umbrella term for persons whose gender identity, gender expression or behavior does not conform to that typically associated with the sex to which they were assigned at birth.

MTF  Male-to-Female transgender

FTM Female-to-Male transgender

• Being transgender does not imply any specific sexual orientation.

• Transgender persons have been documented from antiquity until the present day.

• There is no single explanation for why some people are transgender.

• Transgender people experience their transgender identity in a variety of ways.

• Transgender people may become aware of their transgender identity at any age.

• Identifying as transgender does not constitute a mental disorder.

• People who experience intense, persistent gender incongruence may be given the diagnosis of “gender dysphoria.

GENDER DYSPHORIA is defined as clinically significant distress caused when a person’s assigned birth gender is not the same as the one with which they identify.

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Interestingly, even with my rather conservative religious and cultural upbringing, I don’t remember a time when I had any problem or confusion understanding the transgender person. It always “made sense” to me that they were living in a body which didn’t match the person inside. Okay, that was easy. To me, judgment of trans people just seems artificially contrived - having prejudice only because someone else persuaded them to - without any rational basis. I guess that’s what  prejudice is.

GENDER TRANSITION is the process by which some people adapt to more closely align their outward appearance with their internal gender identity. Some people socially transition, whereby they might begin dressing, using names and pronouns and/or be socially recognized as another gender. Others also undergo physical transitions in which they modify their bodies through medical/surgical interventions.

The relatively recent right-wing rage about trans people is especially ridiculous (and dangerous). As if (a) trans women haven’t always existed with us, (b) trans women haven’t always used women’s restrooms, (c) trans women have no history of assaulting girls or other women in restrooms, and (d) REALLY, do they want trans men (assigned female at birth) to use the women’s restrooms?

And, while we’re on the topic - all the rage about trans kids getting “irreversible” gender-affirming care. As if children are lined up at hospitals for “genital mutilations!” Isn’t happening. Puberty blockers have been demonstrated to be effective suicide blockers, and of course they’re reversible if necessary.

Given that transgender folks are a minute percentage of the population, and haven’t been causing society any problems for all these years, I suggest we at the very least leave them alone, and even better yet, be supportive of their healthcare needs.

Come out already. It’s awkward and uncomfortable at first, but you no longer have to hide and pretend. Relax and be yourself, and find your like-minded community. You have a family that you were born into, and a chosen family of best friends. To the judgmental ones, it’s their problem, not yours.

Excerpts From POSITIVE SEXUALITY FOR MEN - Jayson R. Diesel. This material may be protected by copyright.

“By getting to know Jayson through his experiences and insights, you’ll get to know yourself better as well. Through Jayson’s honesty and vulnerability, you’ll discover that exploring and ultimately “owning” your own sexuality, in the myriad ways this book lays them out (and in the myriad ways you yourself are uniquely sexual), isn’t as difficult or as scary as our often-uptight society wants you to think it is.” - Wynward H. Oliver, author of Homo-Work and The Gooner’s Handbook

For the full journey, and all the personal stories, order your copy: Positive Sexuality for Men

Click to read Installment # 8 - Sexual Dysfunctions

(5 minute read)

LOSE THE SHAME AROUND STIs - Sexually transmitted infections have been around forever but, thankfully, there are now effective treatments for most of them.

The common treatable infections (chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis) are easily eliminated by a dose of antibiotics. At first, being diagnosed with an STI may be frightening; however, in the words of one doctor, “Well, it looks like you’ve been making some friends.” An infection is simply that - an infection.

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We never judge someone for having a cold, the flu, or a sore throat - common infections. So, let’s hold the judgement on infections that result from sexual activity. Given enough sexual opportunities, one can eventually expect an STI - treat it promptly. Ask if Doxy-PEP (doxycycline post-exposure prophylaxis) is available from your medical provider.

HIV remains a unique infection. The virus that attacks the immune system and causes AIDS is still with us. Fortunately, there is now great prevention and effective treatment. PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis) is readily available and about 99% effective in preventing HIV transmission. It is available in tablet and injectable forms.

In general, if you have sex with even a moderate risk of HIV exposure - consider PrEP. There is no reference to gender or sexual orientation in the guidelines. The guidance is to protect yourself. It does not even suggest you alter your sexual practices; just consider PrEP.

PrEP SHAME Anecdotally, I have talked with gay men who have told me that PrEP is just for gay men who want to fuck each other without using a condom - implying that is a bad thing. I have also heard that they don’t want to take a “drug.”

First, PrEP is just another tool in the toolkit. A very effective tool in preventing HIV transmission, for everyone who uses it - gay men, straight men, women, and partners of those at risk of contracting HIV.

Obviously, PrEP is “drugs,” and we commonly take various drugs and non-drug supplements to promote health and well-being. There are currently four approved PrEP regimens. “FTC/TDF” (Truvada®) and “FTC/TAF” (Descovy®) tablets taken daily, or on demand; cabotegravir (Apretude®) is an injectable form of PrEP taken just once every 2 months; and long-active injectable lenacapavir (Yeztugo®) which requires only 2 injections a year. Consider the benefits versus the risks for yourself.

It’s high time we lose the shame around sex, and our practices to keep sex healthy.

HIV TREATMENT is also very effective. Over 40 million people are now living with HIV, most without any symptoms, while taking medication regularly. With medication, it is common to maintain an undetectable viral level in the blood, making transmission by sexual contact virtually impossible. Hence, Treatment = Prevention.

So, positive sexuality is essential to your overall health and well-being; it is good your physical health; it enhances mental health; you can have sexual experiences throughout your lifespan; and you have the right to it. What’s not to like about that?

Excerpts From POSITIVE SEXUALITY FOR MEN - Jayson R. Diesel. This material may be protected by copyright.

“By getting to know Jayson through his experiences and insights, you’ll get to know yourself better as well. Through Jayson’s honesty and vulnerability, you’ll discover that exploring and ultimately “owning” your own sexuality, in the myriad ways this book lays them out (and in the myriad ways you yourself are uniquely sexual), isn’t as difficult or as scary as our often-uptight society wants you to think it is.” - Wynward H. Oliver, author of Homo-Work and The Gooner’s Handbook

For the full journey, and all the personal stories, order your copy: Positive Sexuality for Men

Click to read Installment #7 - Gender Identities 101

(5 minute read)

SEXUAL HEALTH, based on World Health Organization’s definition, is much than birth control and infection management. It is a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality. Sexual health is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity.

Sexual health is fundamental to the overall health and well-being of individuals, couples and families. It also acknowledges that, like most things in our lifetime, our sexuality and our needs will likely change over time as well.

I realize that our concept of healthcare is often focused more on treatment than prevention. We can easily ignore our health when we seem to be doing well. However, we all realize that, like maintaining our car, preventive maintenance and periodic checkups are vital to good long term performance.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY - The ability to achieve sexual health and well-being depends on access to comprehensive, reliable information about sex and sexuality. Hopefully this series will help provide you with some good information.

Sexual health depends on access to sexual healthcare - which is not only essential, but becoming more difficult in the light of recent regressive changes in healthcare laws and regulations in the US. These changes are resulting in the demise of several programs that have traditionally supported sexual health, especially in the LGBTQ+ community.

It is also important for you to advocate for yourself, your sexuality and your own sexual health. Practice behaviors that promote sexual health - such as regular check-ups, STI screening, testicular exams, safer sex practices; and consider PrEP for HIV prevention.

It used to be that sexual health was all about condoms and random STI testing. Now, with widespread availability of PrEP and PEP, testing for STIs is routine every 3 months, with a review of any sexual health concerns by the provider, and a new prescription for PrEP.

Sexual health related issues encompass your sexual orientation and gender identity, sexual expression, pleasure, and relationships. Stay tuned, I will address all these issues in the course of this series.

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SEX IS GOOD FOR PHYSICAL HEALTH - This is one of my favorite parts. Yes, sex is good for you! Research suggests that more frequent sex is correlated with a longer lifespan. Frequent sex may suggest having an intimate relationship, which has been found to extend one’s longevity. Sex is also exercise, which benefits your physical health. And sex also has been found to improve immune function and ease stress. So, go for it!

SEX IS GOOD FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH - People feel a greater sense of well-being before and after sex with a partner, and a more profound sense of meaning in life the day after having sex. In other words, it appears that having sex generally does provide a real boost to mood, outlook, and well-being. So apparently that next day glow that can be seen by others is true! “So, looks like you got some last night!”

Seek further information about your sexuality as needed - no one else will do this for you! Talk with your healthcare provider. It is not your partner’s responsibility - and not your mother’s - it is your responsibility!

Excerpts From POSITIVE SEXUALITY FOR MEN - Jayson R. Diesel. This material may be protected by copyright.

“By getting to know Jayson through his experiences and insights, you’ll get to know yourself better as well. Through Jayson’s honesty and vulnerability, you’ll discover that exploring and ultimately “owning” your own sexuality, in the myriad ways this book lays them out (and in the myriad ways you yourself are uniquely sexual), isn’t as difficult or as scary as our often-uptight society wants you to think it is.” - Wynward H. Oliver, author of Homo-Work and The Gooner’s Handbook

For the full journey, and all the personal stories, order your copy: Positive Sexuality for Men

Click to read Installment #6 - Deshame Sexual Healthcare

(4 minute read)

CONSENT is all about communication and respect. It is agreement or permission expressed through affirmative, voluntary words or actions that are mutually understood by all parties involved, to engage in a specific sexual act at a specific time.

So, quite literally, you need permission from a potential partner to touch them, and to engage in a sex act - every time. Consent cannot be  just be implied, or assumed based on silence, the absence of “no” or “stop,” the existence of a prior or current relationship, or prior sexual activity.

CONSENT cannot be coerced or compelled by force, threat, deception or intimidation; and cannot be given by someone who is incapacitated: unable to understand the facts, nature, extent, or implications of the situation due to drugs, alcohol, a mental disability, being asleep or unconscious, or below the age of sexual consent in that jurisdiction.

Furthermore, consent can be withdrawn at any time, as long as it is clearly communicated. Sexual activity without consent is considered sexual assault or rape.

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CONSENT is one of the pillars of ethical sexual activity. Unless you are alone on a desert island, whacking off by yourself, you need consent from your partner. Personally, I don’t want to have sex with anybody who doesn’t want to have sex with me. Why would I? The knowledge that someone else wants to have sex with me just heightens my desire for an encounter with them. And if two (or more) people want to have sex with me at the same time, so much the better!

Excerpts From POSITIVE SEXUALITY FOR MEN - Jayson R. Diesel This material may be protected by copyright.

“By getting to know Jayson through his experiences and insights, you’ll get to know yourself better as well. Through Jayson’s honesty and vulnerability, you’ll discover that exploring and ultimately “owning” your own sexuality, in the myriad ways this book lays them out (and in the myriad ways you yourself are uniquely sexual), isn’t as difficult or as scary as our often-uptight society wants you to think it is.” - Wynward H. Oliver, author of Homo-Work and The Gooner’s Handbook

Thank you reading these excerpts. The full journey is in the book. Many readers have also said the personal stories are the best parts. Order your copy of Positive Sexuality for Men.

Click to read Installment #5 - Sexual Health

(5 minute read)

FANTASIES undoubtedly play a large part in shaping our sexual desires and behaviors. If you don’t have fantasies - then now’s the time to start! Perhaps surprisingly (or not), the most common fantasy for both men and women is the same!

“WHAT FANTASIES ARE THE MOST COMMON?

Multi-partner sex. Most often, this includes things like threesomes, orgies, and gang-bangs - fun stuff with others.

Power, control, and rough sex - anything falling under the umbrella of bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism (BDSM) - rough and tough stuff. 

Novelty, adventure, and variety. This refers to doing something that is new and different for you, such as having sex in a new position or setting. Not necessarily exhilarating, but can add spice to a relationship.

Taboo activities. This category involved doing something that you’re not “supposed” to do when it comes to sex. A lot of fetish fantasies fall into this category, as well as other fantasies that psychologists have long deemed “paraphilic” (potentially risky or dangerous activities) - sounds like public sex to me!

Passion, romance, and intimacy. These fantasies involve meeting emotional needs through sex, such as connecting with a partner, or feeling loved, appreciated, and desired - the kind of connection we can all appreciate.

Non-monogamy. These fantasies involve practicing some form of non-monogamy, such as swinging, polyamory, cuckolding, or having an open relationship - not for everyone, but definitely worth taking a look at.

Gender-bending and homoeroticism. This final category is all about pushing the boundaries of your gender identity/role/expression (such as cross-dressing) and/or your sexual orientation (such as being heterosexual but having a same-sex fantasy) - for you adventurous types. Highly recommended!

You think you want to know my fantasies? Hold on, we don’t know each other that well yet. The descriptions above are a great place to start though.

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UNCONVENTIONAL SEX is actually pretty common. Outdated ideas about sexual activity - such as heterosexual vaginal intercourse as the only “proper” type of sex - linger in many people’s psyches but the truth is that masturbation, oral sex, using a vibrator or other toys, and kink, is far more common than most people realize - or are willing to admit! A better understanding of what is and isn’t “conventional” could help people experience less shame and reluctance about pursuing their sexual desires.

SHAME is what often seems to mess with us - that painful emotion caused by believing that something is wrong with you as a person. The bottom line is that if it’s ethical and safe, there is no need to be ashamed. And without shame, there is no reason to feel guilt. This can “take a minute” to work out, but it is worth the effort.

Brian Rubin-Sowers, co-host of podcast Dads and Daddies: “We are here to de-shame sex. We are - especially queer people - told from Day 1 that our sex is to be ashamed of. And in the world in general everybody is told sex is a shameful thing, and should be kept behind closed doors and secretive. But especially those of us who are queer are told that ours is particularly shameful, and gross and wrong. And it’s very, very hard to deprogram oneself around that. Taking the shame away really frees you to love yourself and enjoy life in a different way and really feel free.”

So, if you feel “screwed up” about what constitutes acceptable sexual desires and behaviors, let’s see if we can “unscrew” you!

Excerpts From POSITIVE SEXUALITY FOR MEN - Jayson R. Diesel. This material may be protected by copyright.

“By getting to know Jayson through his experiences and insights, you’ll get to know yourself better as well. Through Jayson’s honesty and vulnerability, you’ll discover that exploring and ultimately “owning” your own sexuality, in the myriad ways this book lays them out (and in the myriad ways you yourself are uniquely sexual), isn’t as difficult or as scary as our often-uptight society wants you to think it is.” - Wynward H. Oliver, author of Homo-Work and The Gooner’s Handbook

Thank you reading these excerpts. The full journey is in the book. Many readers have also said the personal stories are the best parts. Order your copy of Positive Sexuality for Men.

Click to read Installment #4 - Consent is Mutual Respect

(5 minute read)

I’m a bit of a word geek, so I tend to analyze words, to take them literally, and make judgments based on that. So let’s give this a shot. “Positive” is the condition of being desirable, optimistic, or confident. And “sexuality” refers to our sexual feelings, attractions, thoughts, and behaviors towards others, an important and diverse part of our identity and experience of life.

Positive Sexuality is to have a desirable, optimistic, confident attitude regarding sexuality. As we sometimes realize, defining something by what it is not can also be useful. Positive sexuality is not aggressive, dominant, misogynistic, or coercive.

POSITIVE SEXUALITY acknowledges the wide range of human and sexual diversity among individuals; a multitude of sexual identities, gender presentations, orientations, and practices. Positive sexuality also encourages open and safe communication, ethics, consent, and empowerment of sexuality.

A common misconception is that sex positivity is just a fancy way to say you want to sleep around with impunity. Prudish ideology might assume that “sex positive” is just a synonym for “slutty.” And if you define “slutty” as “having sex frequently,” that might even be true. But the prudish meaning is intended as an insult - as if having sex frequently is something you should be ashamed of. But that implication precisely hinges on whether you believe sex is fundamentally a positive or negative human behavior.

When we evolve to a default perspective of sex positivity, we automatically become more tolerant of diverse sexual interests. We can collectively agree on a “whatever-floats-your-boat” philosophy and allow others to enjoy exploring what makes them unique rather than striving to conform to traditional heteronormative ideals.

POSITIVE SEXUALITY discusses sexuality openly, honestly, and respectfully, without judgment or fear; reflecting ethical principles. Conversely, sex-negative perspectives tend to frame sexuality and sexual behaviors primarily as risky or inappropriate, and often with judgment. Positive sexuality acknowledges risks and concerns, yet also emphasizes the importance of sexual pleasure, freedom, and diversity.

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SEXUAL ACTIVITY is part of our natural behavior for many reasons: To feel alive, to maintain a vital aspect of human functioning, to feel desirable or attractive, to achieve closeness, or to please a partner they love. And I might add to simply bring pleasure to a partner, for pleasure’s sake! As bodies and interests change over time, most people will experience changes in their interests and desires along the way.

In my life, I can identify that when I (finally) became “authentic” about my sexuality - came out - I tried new experiences. And as I tried new experiences, I realized that not only did I like them, but that I desired trying even more new experiences! And, surprise, I found more experiences I liked.

SEXUAL DESIRE AND SEXUAL PLEASURE involve multiple factors, and can be unpredictable, manifesting very differently in men and in women. The pleasure of sex arises from release of neurochemicals such as oxytocin and dopamine, and the sense of connection expressed through touching, massaging, and cuddling.

There is no one way to be sexual, and there is enormous variation in the activities that people find arousing. Men are especially stimulated by visual imagery - think porn - and the various visual images that kindle the fire in your loins!

Throughout these topics, I will share some of the experiences I have learned to appreciate that are far different than sexuality I had been exposed to prior to coming out. Fantasies have been explored, with opportunities found, connections being made, and experiences being enjoyed.

Excerpts From POSITIVE SEXUALITY FOR MEN - Jayson R. Diesel. This material may be protected by copyright.

“By getting to know Jayson through his experiences and insights, you’ll get to know yourself better as well. Through Jayson’s honesty and vulnerability, you’ll discover that exploring and ultimately “owning” your own sexuality, in the myriad ways this book lays them out (and in the myriad ways you yourself are uniquely sexual), isn’t as difficult or as scary as our often-uptight society wants you to think it is.” - Wynward H. Oliver, author of Homo-Work and The Gooner’s Handbook

Thank you reading these excerpts. The full journey is in the book. Many readers have also said the personal stories are the best parts. Order your copy of Positive Sexuality for Men.

Click to read Installment #3 - Fantasies are good!

This begins a series of installments based on research and writing from my recent book, Positive Sexuality for Men: Our Bodies, Sexual Behaviors, and Relationships. It is my intent to post weekly installments to help facilitate your personal journey into positive sexuality!

Thank you for going with me on this journey to Positive Sexuality. I already know this about you - you are good, and sexy - very sexy! We know that our sexuality is an integral part of us, a fundamental characteristic that begs to be released, to be enjoyed and fulfilled. We will take this ride together, learning how to make your sexuality flourish, positively and ethically.

There is plenty of negativity surrounding sexuality in our society, usually beginning with our families, churches, schools, and government, along with a massive dose of shame. Sexuality has been made to be understood almost as a necessary evil - only for procreation, and only within man-woman marriage.

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Yet, as we look around our society, people are not living up to this false ideal, especially those in positions of power over us. Politicians and church leaders seem to be some of the worst offenders when it comes to infidelity and sex crimes! Perhaps, the solution to this dilemma is not so simple as celibacy in every situation except for procreation within man-woman marriage. Honestly, that should go without saying.

Like many of you, I tried man-woman marriage once. It crashed into a brick wall when I was revealed to be gay, by another family member. Not the best way to end a relationship - but then, when is it ever easy? So, it freed me to embark on a new and different journey, one in which I was able to become, and be, my authentic self, without shame or regret!

Fear not, I will not dwell any further on the negativity of sexuality which is all around us. We will dive headlong into the sea of Positive Sexuality. Sexuality that builds confidence, empowers us, shares itself with others, seeking pleasure and connection with ourselves and with our partners.

WHAT IS YOUR SEXUALITY? Your individual sexuality is your sexual feelings, thoughts, attractions and behaviors towards other people. How you find other people physically, sexually or emotionally attractive. Sexuality is diverse and personal; it’s a vital part of who you are.

As previously mentioned, your sexuality is an innate and natural part of you - you are born with it. Having said that, it is not completely immutable; your sexuality may evolve, and probably will, over time. Many of us take some time (for some of us, lots of time) to discover and develop our individual sense of sexuality.

It’s probably to fair to say that we originally accepted the sexuality that was presented to us growing up as “the way we are.” Then over time we explore our thoughts, our bodies, and others’ bodies, challenging the norms we first accepted for ourselves.

For myself, I did originally accept the concept of human sexuality that I was raised with; and then when I was 12 years old I began to notice things - ok, boys. I found boys more fascinating than girls. Of course, at that time, I didn’t understand the significance, but looking back I now identify that as my awakening to the reality that I was attracted to boys.

A GIFT TO BE ENJOYED - AND SHARED Contrary to what many of us were taught, and may believe, about the Bible, the two first texts of the Bible emphasize the equality of men and women, recognize that we need companions and helpers in life, affirm sexuality as both procreative and recreational, and underscore that God is pleased to offer humans this gift.

And we are told that we all are created in God’s image. We - those of us sexual minorities - are not imperfect or aberrant creations. We are who we were made to be. If you’re anything like me, it took awhile to realize that.

Our sexuality is a gift, to be enjoyed and shared without shame. Let’s do this!

Excerpts From POSITIVE SEXUALITY FOR MEN - Jayson R. Diesel. This material may be protected by copyright.

“By getting to know Jayson through his experiences and insights, you’ll get to know yourself better as well. Through Jayson’s honesty and vulnerability, you’ll discover that exploring and ultimately “owning” your own sexuality, in the myriad ways this book lays them out (and in the myriad ways you yourself are uniquely sexual), isn’t as difficult or as scary as our often-uptight society wants you to think it is.” - Wynward H. Oliver, author of Homo-Work and The Gooner’s Handbook

Thank you reading these excerpts. The full journey is in the book. Many readers have also said the personal stories are the best parts. Order your copy of Positive Sexuality for Men.

Click to read Installment #2 - Your Positive Sexuality